Archive for May, 2006

Click-it or Ticket

Published
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Jack
on May 30, 2006
in Me
. 41 Comments
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For a while now there have been commercials on T.V. depicting a policeman giving tickets to people who are not buckled up. A man’s voice is heard saying: “Officers write tickets to save lives.” I cannot believe this. The only method they could think of for saving lives is tickets?! I mean, why not get rid of cars altogether? Even better yet just get rid of people. Humans are always murdering, pillaging, stealing, and not buckling, so why not just get them all out. Do you know what never does any of the terrible things in the previous tetrad? Seaweed. Except for maybe the giant carnivorous Great Alaskan Seaweed (Completlius Madeupeous).

Since seaweed is such a docile beast, we should kill every living thing except for it and flood the earth so it has a nice environment to thrive. How should we flood the earth? Drive around until there is so much global warming everywhere that the polar ice caps melt. We need to get our top scientists on the problem right away. What we need is a car that craps out so much global warming that you can actually see the ozone crying in pain. As soon as the pesky ozone is gone, all the ice caps are melted and the world is flooded we can move on to PHASE II.

PHASE II is basically where we kill every living thing. This phase will be just like a reverse Noah’s Arc, except for our kids will not bring home pictures of it in finger-paint which we are forced to hang on the bathroom wall and stare at because our kids will be dead. Two by two the animals will march into the seaweed infested water and drown themselves. Of course this is all for the good of humankind so there will be no complaining. Even if they do complain, I am not sure what punishment we can inflict that is worse than death. After all the animals are dead we will have to drown ourselves.

I haven’t ironed out all the problems yet, such as how to drown the dolphins (Stupid dolphins), how to invent cars that crap out global warming, how to find a punishment worse than death, and how to get my point across without this much sarcasm. But once there are all solved, the plan will go into action and all humans will be protected!

OR the government could get out of our lives and we could decide for ourselves whether or not to wear a seat-belt. You choose.

The Mole!

Published
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Jack
on May 18, 2006
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. 37 Comments
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In science class we watched a movie about the MOLE. A mole is defined as spicy sauce often containing chocolate. So of course I was surprised when the movie turned out to be about chemistry and stuff. But then I realized that sauce probably has something to do with chemistry. Especially spicy sauce. I was watching and listening, listening and watching, when it finally dawned on me. This movie was not about spicy saucy sauce. It was about the small furry rodent that boroughs underground! It suddenly all made sense. The references to molar mass, the animations of boxes, the creepy narrator, the idea that we need a universal number to measure atoms. Of course this was a reference to the small little rodent. Or was it?

As the evidence materialized, I began to piece it all together. There must be some other definition for the mole! It obviously was not the now infamous spicy sauce and it wasn’t our furry little friend, what could it be? I began to get frustrated. How could I possibly know what this informative video was about? The the idea struck me. Listen to the video! As I focused my ears on the video (FOOOOOOCUSSS!!) I learned something. The animation was worse than Finding Nemo! Of course most animations, especially in a movie about the mole, are worse than Finding Nemo. Nevertheless I noticed it. I also noticed another thing. The narrator kept repeating that a mole was a gram molecule: the molecular weight of a substance expressed in grams; the basic unit of amount of substance adopted under the Systeme International d’Unites. Could this be a clue? Read Episode II to find out!

Episode II
Yes, it was a clue. Why else would it be the ending statement of Episode I? Read Episode III to find out!

Episode III
Because that is just how episodes work. You end the previous ones with an interesting question that will be answered in the following episode. Doesn’t everyone know that? Read Episode IV to find out!

Episode IV
Apparently everyone does not know that. Just trust me on this one. And plus the joke of starting new episodes solely to get more space taken up is wrong. And my readers do not like it when I do something wrong. Do you? Do you? I will take your silence as a no. So I apologize for offending you. I also apologize for going completely off topic. I actually forgot what the topic was, and seeing as moving my pointer finger on the mouse’s scroll wheel to see the topic is way too much work, I’m afraid I will have to end without closing my post. Or will I? Read Episode V to find out!

Episode V
I’m sorry. Seriously, I am. That will never happen again. Or will it? Read Episode VI to find out!

Episode VI
No, this is really the last time. I mean, it is not even funny any more. Or is it? Read Episode VII to find out!

Episode VII
Read Episode VIII to find out!

Episode VIII
Read Episode IX!

Episode IX
Episode X!

Episode X
XI!

Episode XI
Okay, now even I am getting a little annoyed by this. Or am I!

Practice Essay

Published
by
Jack
on May 11, 2006
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. 55 Comments
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In english we have to write an essay, so I decided to use this medium to practice in! Here is the first draft of my essay:

When I was told to write this essay I was depressed. But then I go to thinking, “I am depressed. I am a man. Therefore, I am hungry.” Using this simple syllogism I was able to deduct that I must be hungry. Then using some induction I went to the pantry and found a huge fallacy. There were no more cheez-its! This caused some post hoc ergo proctor hoc and some ad hominem. At one point I was so mad I non sequitured all over the wall. It was at this point I realized things were getting out of hand. So I started to ruminate, exacerbate, and contemplate when I realized that they key to a good essay was an expansive vocabulary. But seeing that in this current state of my existence I was not in the possession of one to write home about I decided just to end this sentence with an exclamation point!

This is of course is just a first draft. I need to expand it to 10 pages. I plan on doing this by adding large margins and raising my font point. Hopefully she can’t tell the difference between 12 point font and 98 point font. I also plan on adding images to make it longer. Another way to lengthen essays is to add quotes. Quotes are great because even if you make them up they are still quotes. I plan on quoting everyone I know and quite possibly I will even quote some insects that a wide range of vocal noise. (A great example of post hoc ergo proctor hoc is the West African Humming Beetle, and I quote: “Humminy hummmmm hummminnyyy hummm SCREEEAAACCCHHHHH hum”) After putting in meaningless quotes and many graphics I think I will have enough for 10 pages.

I think the best way to end this post is by a quote from the Giant Peruvian Flea: “MOOOOOOOOOO”

SIT

Published
by
Jack
on May 1, 2006
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. 16 Comments
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In school we watch a show called Channel One. It is on every day during homeroom. We are forced into watching it. Once, when a student didn’t watch it, the teacher strangled him, shot him, threw him out the window and then lit him on fire. Just kidding, she didn’t light him on fire. HAHA. Anyways, we are forced into watching this show. The show isn’t bad. It gives us the news, current events, exciting happenings, and so on. But what frustrates me is the commercials. Only so many people are authorized to advertise in a school environment. (The United States Department of Acceptable School Commercials (USDASC) was founded solely for this reason) That means that there are a total of 5 commercials that they play over and over again. There is one of these I hate the most, and that is the STAND commercial.

This commercial has a teenage girl who stands in front of a graffitied wall complaining about how her dad smokes. She says the companies purposely get her dad to smoke just because they want money. When I heard this I was outraged. I mean, how can a company try to make money! That is preposterous! Or not. All my favorite companies try to make money. My favorite companies include Wendy’s, Walmart, and Joe’s Crab Shack (I got Crabs at Joe’s!) Most of these places try and make money. I have actually never heard of a business that was not trying to make money. Except for maybe McDonald’s. I think they are out for world domination.

Anyways in response to STAND I propose we start a group called SIT (Student Helpers as Interns for Tobacco). I decided not to go with SHIT because, I mean, who would want to join that group? Our motto would be, “Don’t let annoying teenagers with marker on their hand control your life, get up and SIT.” This is, of course, still being worked on. What we would do is go around and find member of STAND and just sit on them. We would also have meetings and crap and maybe even a headquarters. Of course we would be backed by the government with huge grants and subsidies and have celebrity endorsements. The membership would be comprised of students who are smart and know that when we lose some of our freedoms, we lose all of our freedoms.

Always remember, Get up and SIT!