For a while now there have been commercials on T.V. depicting a policeman giving tickets to people who are not buckled up. A man’s voice is heard saying: “Officers write tickets to save lives.” I cannot believe this. The only method they could think of for saving lives is tickets?! I mean, why not get rid of cars altogether? Even better yet just get rid of people. Humans are always murdering, pillaging, stealing, and not buckling, so why not just get them all out. Do you know what never does any of the terrible things in the previous tetrad? Seaweed. Except for maybe the giant carnivorous Great Alaskan Seaweed (Completlius Madeupeous).
Since seaweed is such a docile beast, we should kill every living thing except for it and flood the earth so it has a nice environment to thrive. How should we flood the earth? Drive around until there is so much global warming everywhere that the polar ice caps melt. We need to get our top scientists on the problem right away. What we need is a car that craps out so much global warming that you can actually see the ozone crying in pain. As soon as the pesky ozone is gone, all the ice caps are melted and the world is flooded we can move on to PHASE II.
PHASE II is basically where we kill every living thing. This phase will be just like a reverse Noah’s Arc, except for our kids will not bring home pictures of it in finger-paint which we are forced to hang on the bathroom wall and stare at because our kids will be dead. Two by two the animals will march into the seaweed infested water and drown themselves. Of course this is all for the good of humankind so there will be no complaining. Even if they do complain, I am not sure what punishment we can inflict that is worse than death. After all the animals are dead we will have to drown ourselves.
I haven’t ironed out all the problems yet, such as how to drown the dolphins (Stupid dolphins), how to invent cars that crap out global warming, how to find a punishment worse than death, and how to get my point across without this much sarcasm. But once there are all solved, the plan will go into action and all humans will be protected!
OR the government could get out of our lives and we could decide for ourselves whether or not to wear a seat-belt. You choose.
Jack that was impressive. I cant wait for the car that craps out global warming and it makes the ozone cry. Fantastic personification! Remember you have to keep the post every tuesday thing going. No exceptions. By the way, when does Phase II begin?
o now you like jacks website matt?
Phase II begins on friday after the rafting trip
jack i love your site and cannot wait for the next exhilarating post!! Cya in XC
-Balls
how about “don’t be a teenage driver or ticket”
jack the rafting trip will be sweet we jsut haev to make sure we “censor” who comes n doesnt. WE need to avoid having some certain ppl coming….thats your job
Keep up the Good Work
o, i will censor. Im the cens-master
cens-master?
Hey Jack, if you watch the commercial did u notice that all the people being ticketed are all men. Don’t u think that is sexist? I think so and that was hypophora.
lol, true
I do not think it is sexist. Guys should be ticketed more bcause girls are perfect.
hey juana-man, that makes you sexist along with that commercial.
No…it makes me tru..ur just jealous McCardle b/c ur more likely 2 get a ticket then the girlz and my name is not juana-man…
people, why dont you ever use your real names?
that is my real name…u take spanish has miss.oliver not taught u how 2 pronounce my name?!?! i thought u knew everything jack…but u have failed me now i know that all u want 2 do is kill everything xcept the seaweed..ur a murderer…i thought i knew u but i dont
Jack…in a twisted way…ur brilliant
thankyou for that
and thank you for using your real name
my other name is tom
Jack thats some good thoughts…..???
thankyou maura
thats not a valid answer 2 my post i was aking a question…..?
jack, why dont you just make a giant machine that mega-craps global warming
sorry maura.
rustyshackleford, what have we learned about using pseudonyms? And plus, i said that was one of the problems we had to iron out, how to invent cars that crap out global warming.
ok good….?
have the car use ozone as fuel. if the ozone isn’t crying after that, then the only other option is to give it cancer.
Here is the Truth about global warming
Article Launched: 06/05/2006 01:00:00 AM MDT
david harsanyi | staff columnist
Chill out over global warming
By David Harsanyi
Denver Post Staff Columnist
You’ll often hear the left lecture about the importance of dissent in a free society.
Why not give it a whirl?
Start by challenging global warming hysteria next time you’re at a LoDo cocktail party and see what happens.
Admittedly, I possess virtually no expertise in science. That puts me in exactly the same position as most dogmatic environmentalists who want to craft public policy around global warming fears.
The only inconvenient truth about global warming, contends Colorado State University’s Bill Gray, is that a genuine debate has never actually taken place. Hundreds of scientists, many of them prominent in the field, agree.
Gray is perhaps the world’s foremost hurricane expert. His Tropical Storm Forecast sets the standard. Yet, his criticism of the global warming “hoax” makes him an outcast.
“They’ve been brainwashing us for 20 years,” Gray says. “Starting with the nuclear winter and now with the global warming. This scare will also run its course. In 15-20 years, we’ll look back and see what a hoax this was.”
Gray directs me to a 1975 Newsweek article that whipped up a different fear: a coming ice age.
“Climatologists,” reads the piece, “are pessimistic that political leaders will take any positive action to compensate for the climatic change. … The longer the planners delay, the more difficult will they find it to cope with climatic change once the results become grim reality.”
Thank God they did nothing. Imagine how warm we’d be?
Another highly respected climatologist, Roger Pielke Sr. at the University of Colorado, is also skeptical.
Pielke contends there isn’t enough intellectual diversity in the debate. He claims a few vocal individuals are quoted “over and over” again, when in fact there are a variety of opinions.
I ask him: How do we fix the public perception that the debate is over?
“Quite frankly,” says Pielke, who runs the Climate Science Weblog (climatesci.atmos.colostate.edu), “I think the media is in the ideal position to do that. If the media honestly presented the views out there, which they rarely do, things would change. There aren’t just two sides here. There are a range of opinions on this issue. A lot of scientists out there that are very capable of presenting other views are not being heard.”
Al Gore (not a scientist) has definitely been heard
and heard and heard. His documentary, “An Inconvenient Truth,” is so important, in fact, that Gore crisscrosses the nation destroying the atmosphere just to tell us about it.
“Let’s just say a crowd of baby boomers and yuppies have hijacked this thing,” Gray says. “It’s about politics. Very few people have experience with some real data. I think that there is so much general lack of knowledge on this. I’ve been at this over 50 years down in the trenches working, thinking and teaching.”
Gray acknowledges that we’ve had some warming the past 30 years. “I don’t question that,” he explains. “And humans might have caused a very slight amount of this warming. Very slight. But this warming trend is not going to keep on going. My belief is that three, four years from now, the globe will start to cool again, as it did from the middle ’40s to the middle ’70s.”
Both Gray and Pielke say there are many younger scientists who voice their concerns about global warming hysteria privately but would never jeopardize their careers by speaking up.
“Plenty of young people tell me they don’t believe it,” he says. “But they won’t touch this at all. If they’re smart, they’ll say: ‘I’m going to let this run its course.’ It’s a sort of mild McCarthyism. I just believe in telling the truth the best I can. I was brought up that way.”
So next time you’re with some progressive friends, dissent. Tell ‘em you’re not sold on this global warming stuff.
Back away slowly. You’ll probably be called a fascist.
Don’t worry, you’re not. A true fascist is anyone who wants to take away my air conditioning or force me to ride a bike.
mmm…intersting article
You hate the big government until you are the big government. Thomas Jefferson found that out the hard way.
Up early, genari?
Yeah, my sleep shcedule is all messed up. I have been getting up at 5:30 A.M. and going to sleep at 9:00 P.M., which is pretty messed up for the summer.
My Dearest Jack,
Your articles have opened my eyes to an unfathomable amount of issues. Your are truly a modern day Prophet.
God Bless,
Holla Holla,
Dickman
Hey Jack. Couldn’t find anywhere to put this buy your blog.. but.. Happy Birthday man.
Have a good one.
How the heck did you get that smiley face up there.
wait…are there 2 jacks? feliz cumpleanos
Happy B-day Jack!! When r we goin skydiving?
Thanks guys.
jack, jack, jack. docile beast? faneffingtastic. but seriously. this post was gold. and i truely despise that commercial. those guys are all on nice sunday drives, listening to some denver (perhaps some mellencamp if the weather’s right)and here some supertrooperesque pig comes lighting up, all high and mighty, haughty and prim like a king henry the 8th.
jack you need a new post what happened to the every tuesday thing…. that lasted lik what… o yea 1 post… idk i havent been here in a while and just wanted to say i like all the new faces commenting, its good for the economy and brings a smile to my face.. I also rele lik how genari gets up at 530 in the morning and comments, thats pretty cool 2.. cya.. have fun in ny.. buy me a shirt or something
new post is up. its not very good seeing as its 3 am and i was just trying to get one out before my vacation, but hey, it happens to the best of us.
it seems like i havent read this in years
wanton noodle