Archive for January, 2007

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words.

A picture is worth a thousand words.

Have you ever wondered where this popular cliche came from? Worry not my dear friend, for I am here to tell you.

It all started one fine evening in 1867. A young man known only as morpod (They hadn’t invented capital “M”’s yet) was walking through the lush gardens of the tropic aisles. He soon passed through and entered the cereal aisle. It was in this aisle that he saw It. It was round, but with a slightly squarish physique, small, but with a slightly large appearance, green, but with a slightly orange tinge, but basically completely soft. morpod was instantly attracted and wanted more of what he saw.

He picked It up, It weighed only but a pound, but felt like one hundred. He turned It over and saw the price tag. 5 cents! What an outrage (You have to remember this was before inflation, so the nickels were so small no one could ever find them.). He searched and he searched, but to no avail. So he decided to invent the Polaroid Camera so he could get an instant picture. (Little Known Tidbit: Polaroid Inc. used to be known as morpod industries until Apple sued them for using the term “pod”) After taking a picture of this strange object he decided to take it to his local newspaper and sell it to them. Because the newspaper was in a different time zone they could not trade cash money, so instead they traded words (Don’ ask me how).

As it turns out the picture was worth exactly 1,000 words, but contrary to popular belief this is not where the saying came from. At exactly the same moment, but in not exactly the same place, an baseball team owner decided to buy a cow farm and start producing curds as a past time. He actually rallied to get Curds as the national drink at all baseball games, but as we all know, tobacco-laden spit won out. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, an evil man kidnapped the team’s starting pitcher and demanded ransom from the team owner. All the owner had to offer at the time were curds and the kidnapper accepted 1,000 of them.

Tis prompted all the local papers to write that “A Pitcher is Worth a Thousand Curds”. This saying eventually was misquoted and misunderstood to mean a picture is worth a thousand words, and that is where we are today.

Now if you do not believe any of his you can submit $100 to the proof fund, and I will prove it. Feel free to impress all your friends with your abundant knowledge, courtesy of Jack Minardi.

We Were Orphans

Turner was sitting alone in his apartment on a Saturday night. It was not unlike any other except for the fact that it was the night before Christmas. He was playing world of warcraft with his online friends. He fell out of his chair and looked out the window and he saw someone standing by the corner store. He sported a red hat and coat. When someone told him a funny joke his belly shook like a bowl full of jelly. Turner thought back to his childhood in the orphanage when he never received what he wanted for Christmas. (flashback: he gleefully opens a wrapped box and it turns out to be a dead squirrel. He lets out a soft sigh and turns away, just as another unseen orphan asks if he’s going to eat the dead squirrel. Young turner denies him and crawls away with his new gift) That was why he never had the Christmas spirit. He never wanted to give anything to anyone because he never got what he wanted. It was fair.

Chris was on the corner waving the bell like he did every night. He thought back to his childhood and why he wanted to give all he could to help children. He was an orphan as well (flashback: everyone around him gets a gift and he receives nothing. Dismayed, he walks away, but before he leaves he yells, “hey, are you going to eat that dead rat?” he gets denied and shuffles off) From that moment on he knew that he had to make something of himself and give back to children just like himself. He jingled his bell all the harder for those children (starts ringing harder) he knows if he doesn’t ring hard enough, someone will be denied a dead rat.

Turner decided to walk down to his local coffebucks and grab a drink. He walked by the crazy red-hatted man and into the coffeshop. (slow motion as they meet eyes and turn heads as he walks by) He sat down by a virulent young man who looked like he had one to many smokeccinos. He said hi (“Hi”) and the man returned the greeting. (“Thanks for the greeting”) They discussed politics,(“Bush”, “Obama”) iguana habitats,(“Leafy”,”Damp”) local colleges,(“Local”, “colleges”) global warming,(“bull”, “crap”) new technology,(“ipod”, “computer”) old technology,(“wheel”, “abicus”) medium technology,(“whats that?”, “I don’t know”) and ofcourse, their mutual hatred for Christmas. (“I hate it”, “me too”) Turner invited his new friend back to his place to play another round of world of warcraft. (“wanna join me on a mythical quest to save the world?”). He accepted (“sure”) On their way by the red-hatted man they sneered at him. (slow motion as they both sneer at santa). Oh yeah, his new friends name was Frank.

After Chris received those awful sneers he decided something must be done to help the lost souls. After all, he had been through a lot and still came out positive, how hard would it be to convince these men of the same? He decided to follow them home and show them what Christmas was all about. He had always wanted to secretly follow someone home (flashback: Chris hiding behind ridiculously impossible places and giggling) He jingled after them.

Turner thought he was being followed so he decided to try to lose the chap. But he wanted to do it as nonchalantly possible so he started leaving obstacles behind him. When that didn’t work he started to pick up the pace. He took dark alleys, but he still felt he was being tracked. So he just gave up and walked home like he typically did.

When he got to the front door of his apartment Chris jumped out and confronted him. Now Turner always had a problem with being startled so he let out a high pitch squeal. This embarrassed him so he corrected with his most manly voice and statement (Chris says “Your shoes are JUST darling!”) He wasn’t very good in the clutch. Anyways Chris explained why he had followed them home. (“you looked like you needed a little cheering up”) He then told them where he came from (“An orphanage”) and what it was called (“Sacred heart orphanage”) Turner got excited and said that was where he was from (“That is were I’m from!”) He then said it was the worst experience in his life and stated what he once received for Christmas (“A dead rat”). Chris said he never got anything for any Christmas and that was why he devoted his adult life to preventing that very thing from happening in as many children’s lives as possible (“Its true”) He than told Turner that he should do the same (“You should”) Turner gladly agreed (sigh “fine”). Chris than directed his speech toward Frank (he faces frank, who is very close “You wanna help?”) Frank politely declined (“Forget that dawg”) and let them know he had some prior engagements (“I gots to go to a party!”) He excused himself and walked away (looks nervously around and slowly steps backward. Then turns around and runs, tripping on his own feet)

Turner was happy that he had that burden lifted off his chest and Chris was happy he convinced another man to help him in his charitable works. They both walked away with their arms around each other. But they didn’t know each other well enough yet so they decided to take it back a notch. (They glance at each other and remove their arms from the others shoulder)

And that is the story of how Chris and Turner first met and saved Christmas for everyone. Thanks for watching.