For a while now there have been commercials on T.V. depicting a policeman giving tickets to people who are not buckled up. A man’s voice is heard saying: “Officers write tickets to save lives.” I cannot believe this. The only method they could think of for saving lives is tickets?! I mean, why not get rid of cars altogether? Even better yet just get rid of people. Humans are always murdering, pillaging, stealing, and not buckling, so why not just get them all out. Do you know what never does any of the terrible things in the previous tetrad? Seaweed. Except for maybe the giant carnivorous Great Alaskan Seaweed (Completlius Madeupeous).
Since seaweed is such a docile beast, we should kill every living thing except for it and flood the earth so it has a nice environment to thrive. How should we flood the earth? Drive around until there is so much global warming everywhere that the polar ice caps melt. We need to get our top scientists on the problem right away. What we need is a car that craps out so much global warming that you can actually see the ozone crying in pain. As soon as the pesky ozone is gone, all the ice caps are melted and the world is flooded we can move on to PHASE II.
PHASE II is basically where we kill every living thing. This phase will be just like a reverse Noah’s Arc, except for our kids will not bring home pictures of it in finger-paint which we are forced to hang on the bathroom wall and stare at because our kids will be dead. Two by two the animals will march into the seaweed infested water and drown themselves. Of course this is all for the good of humankind so there will be no complaining. Even if they do complain, I am not sure what punishment we can inflict that is worse than death. After all the animals are dead we will have to drown ourselves.
I haven’t ironed out all the problems yet, such as how to drown the dolphins (Stupid dolphins), how to invent cars that crap out global warming, how to find a punishment worse than death, and how to get my point across without this much sarcasm. But once there are all solved, the plan will go into action and all humans will be protected!
OR the government could get out of our lives and we could decide for ourselves whether or not to wear a seat-belt. You choose.