According to my latest research the bird flu is bad. I know its bad because CNN, FOX, ABC, CBS, ESPN, CN, SPIKE, OLN, TRL, BRB, LOL, JK, LMAO, and others are all writing about this pandemic. These fine sources never report about a good pandemic like “Happiness Beetles Are Saving Chinese Babies” or “Hippies Kinda Don’t Like War”. Instead the titles are “Man Accidently Kills 50 Billion Innocent Babies” and “Poison Gas Leak Causes All Of Canada to Speak French”. Seeing as Bird Flu probably didn’t break the bond between tragedy and titles it must be a terrible thing.
I decided to probe deeper. I found an article and will pull out what I think are the most important quotes.
Bird flu vaccine may be scarce in pandemic
“we’re not going to have a vaccine…because… I… like… it… when… babies… die… and… frail elderly who may be at highest risk of death… because… it will be up to the states to decide who is first in line… in a handful of cases… the government… will take six months… to decide who is first in line… for… the… hot zone.”
That is definitely not taken out of context.
As you can see from the above completely not made up quote the government will take 6 whole months to decide who is first in line for the hot zone! This is absolutely not acceptable. We need to figure out what the hot zone is. According to my sources the Hot Zone is an episode of the science fiction television series Stargate Atlantis. Now why would the feds take 6 months to decide who is first in line for a Stargate episode? Because watching this episode cures the bird flu. Thats right, you heard it here first. Why they don’t just tell us this is the real question. I suggest we all take up our favorite writing utensils and send out irate letters to our congressmen. Here is mine:
Dear Congressman:
Why have you failed the American People? I didn’t not vote for no reason. Actually, I am not even sure if you can vote for congressmen, but if you can, I definitely won’t be voting for you. All we wanted to know was that the bird flu could be healed by a simple Hot Zone. And com’n! 6 months! Thats even slow for you. That’s longer that the gestation period for most mammals. That’s longer than most politicians were able to stay in college. That’s even longer than the waiting time in most DMV lines. I suggest you just air the Hot Zone episode and let all Americans just get on with their lives.
Sincerely,
A Minority*
Because you are all such faithful readers I will give you a link to the overview of the episode. It can be found here. Reading the episode overview will not protect you from catching the flu but it should protect you from dying of it. Make sure to watch the original episode for full protection.
*Politicions are known to respond to minorities more often
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