Tag Archive for 'Me'

Of Current Things and Such As

Published
by
Jack
on February 12, 2008
in Me
. 1 Comment
Tags: , , , , , , , |

Well here we go, this is me typing a post. First I have a few things I need to get off my chest: Number One, only humans can comment on posts from now on. Did you here that Ivan Kuznetsov? We all know you are really a moose. Stemming directly from number one is Number Two, I will be accepting applications for the job of Assistant to Mr.Minardi. Basically you will do all the assistantly duties such as phone messages, e-mail responses, phone responses, e-mail messages, phone e-mails, the occasional dry cleaning, and sometimes lip gloss testing. And finally Number Three, Niggardly. Seriously.

Wow, it really feels great to finally be able to get all of that out of my system. They have all been swimming around in my head like dolphins. Leaping and playing with the other ideas until they are caught in a tuna net and murdered by rusty knives. Yep, just like dolphins.

I guess that is all I have to say today, hopefully I will be able to write more some time in the future. And by future I mean tomorrow, and by some time I mean the next day, and by guess I mean a message expressing an opinion based on incomplete evidence. So there you have it, my first post on my blog’s second virginity.

Selected Poems by Jack Minardi

Published
by
Jack
on January 11, 2008
in Me
. 4 Comments
Tags: , , , , , , , |

Here is an assortment of the poems I have written over the past year. Some of them I took time and effort to revise and rework, others were literally written in five minutes. I’ll let you decide which you think go in which category.

Here they are

True Nature

I stop and think a haunting thing
The true nature of our being
Wise men before, wise men to come
Never to know what I have done

In the dark I find myself
A lost an lonely little elf
I try to leave it all alone
I try to leave for what is known

But my conscience never will rest
Until I’ve straightened out this mess
I must finally come to bare
The problem heavy in the air

The answer passes through my mind
Quickly it’s gone before I find
The manner to explain in time
And grasp its meaning in a line

Stolen Grace

I could barely see the road
My tears were fast streaming
It is a dark night
My hood is still steaming

Twasn’t five minutes ago
When death stared me in the face
Her crimson tears gliding slowly
Me holding her stolen grace

You see it was very late
I could’ve slept anywhere
Me heavy eyelids drooped
The red light seemed useless there

Deafening damage; mangled metal
Both flung from our cars
Me: Merely scrapes and bruises
She: Never-to-be scars

She wasn’t five feet from me
Yet It seemed like a great gap
I crawled over crying
And laid her head in my lap

There is a mournful beauty
To stare death in the face
He crimson tears glided slowly
Me holding her stolen grace

I sprinted quickly
To my mangled mess
Sunk in the drivers seat
My own black abyss

Now you find me here
Speeding on this abandoned road
Only God could help me
Bare this heavy load

So now I must meet him
On this fateful night
The lonely tree still standing
Will help me make this right

I steer my car quite quickly
My beams single it out
My car shrieks and rattles
I don’t let out a shout

This time God is kinder
I don’t feel a thing
Darkness all around me
But I can’t hear the angels sing

The Hammer’s Hum

Sprinting quickly through crystal beams
God’s fingertips they say
We’d restlessly scout out the spot
For the pleasures of that day

Eagerly we’d pick the tree
And scamper up its side
Ascending to the treetop
Observing far and wide

The chosen tree would be prepared
Rough rope swung ‘round its arm
Then one by one we’d shimmy up
Careful not to harm

The first nail would enter
With hundreds more to come
More for enjoyment than for structure
We were transfixed by the hammer’s hum

We’d work all day, we’d work all night
Soon the castle was complete
Then one by one we’d shimmy down
To dream of Kings in our sleep

But I Want More

As the hands rotate past the face
I read into the ancient lore
It takes me back to that sacred place
Oh, but I want more

As the wheel turns film progresses
The image enters every pore
All its secrets the screen confesses
Ah, but I want more

As the record spins the sounds they flow
Beautiful stories escape the score
Singing pristine highs and melodic lows
Yes, but I want more

I opened the door exited slowly
Sucked all the life into my core
I understood, small and lowly
Now, I’ve got more

Zorba’s Dance

One by one, they march along
Tap tap tap
They flow on though

Running prancing
Singing dancing
Feeling joy
All through their core

Quickly now they move their feet
Up and down
To the beat

The sun escapes
Its blue sky prison
Now the moon laughs
As it takes his place

Hymn to the Sea

Deep down deep
The light is filtered
Deep down deep
The darkness triumphs

Quickly the heat it cleanses
As we shed our mortal coil
Quietly now we leave our senses
Death it seems will calm our toil

Our souls now rise
One in the same
Heavenly voices
Singing our name

Ascending quickly
As light pours through
The final realization
The life anew

Untitled

Will you give me some
Cause I need to run
My time has come

Wake up now
You’ve got some more time
This wont hurt a bit

I’ve opened it
Now I need to get
Over it

Chaos comes
Flowing into you
Open up your eyes

Untitled

Existence is blurred
On this tiny thread
Nothing is heard
Its all in your head

The wind blows through the gate
As his feet run about
His head keeps his state
But his body does doubt

Your minds eye can’t blink
You can’t hide forever
You simply must think
And you’ll discover another

It’s time to realize
We’ve got to separate
Throw off your old disguise
See through your blinding hate

Ladies and Gentlemen

(stolen?)

Ladies and Gentlemen please
Put your minds at ease
This thought will tickle and tease
Grab hold of your brain and seize
Jaws on the floor
You’ll be begging for more
Better than before
Just let it pour
You need to see with your eyes
Noone’s in disguise
That’s just self-implied
You have to simplify

Riddle

A four-legged beast
Head of the feast
Served royalty
Earned loyalty
Killed some men
Aided others, then
Killed again
Need to rock?
He won’t block
He’ll simply knock
Feeling down?
Don’t frown
Just sit down
He’ll comfort you
Form a lump with you
You’ll enjoy it too!
He could squeak
Or help you sleep
Nice and sleek
Or tired and weak
Don’t you think
You’ll enjoy
This old boy
Make some noise?

WHAT IS HE???? WTF???

The Beast Has Been Slain

Published
by
Jack
on June 29, 2007
in Me
. 7 Comments
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , |

After hours upon hours of hard work I have finally done the impossible. I am officially hosting this site of my home computer. Now those of you who think this is an easy task either use words like localhost, phpmyadmin, xampp, and lampp way too often, or are just stupid. If you fall into the first category, why didn’t you help me when I really needed it? If you fall into the second category, you will fit right in with my regular readers. JK!! (That stands for “Just Kidding”).

I foresee a few problems that must be worked out though. Number one is that I have no idea how to run a server, and have no idea how I even got this far. Stemming directly from number one is that I have no idea how to secure a server, making it very easy for me to be infiltrated. Let me draw a mental picture here. Imagine my website is like a mini sand castle. Now imagine that evil hackers are like little babies on the beach. Normally these little babies would be repelled by my awesome moat full of crabs and seaweed, and also by me with a shotgun, but today the moat is full of candy, my shotgun is really a rainbow flag and the little babies have atleast 90 inch diameter biceps. And also imagine I left the drawbridge down and the door wide open. On top of that imagine that I broadcast my security holes on my website. Now you get the picture.

So please, if you know any hackers in person, take out your cellphone when you are near them and have an imaginary conversation with someone where you bring up the fact that my site is very secure so no one should bother trying to hack it. If you notice them taking it as a challenge, just say “What’s that? It was just hacked? Oh, I guess no one should waste their time on it anymore.” That should do the trick.

Once we have all the hackers out, we can focus on content, which as everyone knows, is king. Now please let me sleep, because it is 3 in the morning.

So I guess I am a Liberal

Published
by
Jack
on October 30, 2006
in Me
. 38 Comments
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , |

Well this morning I woke up and found out that I was a Liberal. At first I thought it was a giant zit, but no, I was really a liberal. Then I remembered that I did not wear protection last night, that must have been it. So now with my new found liberalism, I will prove to you why us liberals are the bestest.

All of you who say we should be in Iraq are just soooo stupid. I mean, even the great U.N. didn’t back us up in there. Can you not see that we are only there for the money? All that money. All the money we will be seeing any time now, because I know that is the real reason we are there. When you try to claim that we are there to free the Iraqis from a “terrorist” you should be ashamed. Just because he murdered everyone who did not agree with him so not make him a terrorist. Just because he used terror to get his view across does not make him a terrorist. The Iraqis wanted him there anyway, CNN told me.

And also, we should send all of our troops into Darfur and ignore what the U.N. says. They don’t know anything anyway. The terrorist organization is killing lots of people over there and that needs to be stopped immediately by us. How can you just sit around and watch as they die?

And abortion. Who do you think you are to tell a woman not to “murder” her baby. Its her own life and she can do what ever she wants. Maybe that baby will grow up to be a serial killer, or worse, a libertarian! Would you like all that blood on your hands?!? Would YOU!?!?!?

Capitalism is just way stupid. When you use the following argument: “Who do you think you are to tell a person what to do with their money. Its their life and they can do what they want.” you just sound stupid. So do not use it. That argument is so full of fallacies that you could build a ship (I never really got that one…) It is obvious that people do not know what is good for them. We need to make sure they always save money for retirement, always give money to poor people, always give money to my bloated government and always not have money for themselves. Because, like, money is evil. It is obvious that bank robberies would decrease dramatically if we just got rid of it. And also, I like communism.

And also, stop believing in God because that is so obviously wrong and you are just stupid. All you want is to spout your lies to my children (I forgot to abort them).

Muslims are so great. Why don’t you just let them believe in their God, who are you to tell them what to believe in? Just let them attack us, it is our fault for being the greatest country in the world. We deserve every tower that fell and every life that was lost.

And global warming. And Bush is stupid. And second hand smoke.

Oh, wait. I was a giant zit. Nevermind.

How To: Recover Your Site from Google Cache

Published
by
Jack
on October 12, 2006
in You
. 10 Comments
Tags: , , , , , , |

First off, I would like to point out that this will not be like my normal posts. Every once in a while I need to write about something to do with websites, and most of you reading this have no idea what that means. For all of you, skip to the last paragraph.

Now for the important people:

Due to a recent MySQL crash and an outdated backup I lost my last three post and the site design. This is the third time that has happened so I should have learned my lesson by now, but I hadn’t. After pulling out my hair and beating many small helpless animals I decided to do something about it.

This may be obvious to some, but it took me a while to figure out. You will need Firefox, Web-developer, and a cached version of your site on google.

To find the cached version of your site, search it on google and click on “Cached” Hopefully this contains the data you lost, if it does not, resume beating fluffy animals because I can’t help you.

After the page is open select the “CSS” drop down menu in Web-developer. Go to “View CSS” Save this to your computer. Now all we have to do it get the images. To do this select the “Images” drop down menu and choose “View Image Information” Drag and drop all the needed images to you computer. Now copy all the lost text and rebuild your site.

Google’s cache lags a few days behind, so check everyday to see when it displays the info you need.

After your site is back up, back it up.

And for all my usual reader, maybe you should learn somethign useful and build your own website.

Bumper Sticker Ideas

Published
by
Jack
on October 10, 2006
in Me
. 14 Comments
Tags: , , , , , , |

At work I have access to all the equipment to make my very own bumper stickers and they said it was okay if I printed a couple off for myself. So in school one day during free-writing I wrote all these ideas down. I had to read them to the teacher, who is a liberal, so that didn’t go to well, but thats a whole other story.

Anyways, let me know which ones you like the best, and I will print up a sheet. I can print up a couple, so some of you can have some.

And also, if you have better ideas than I have here (Yeah, right) post them and I will consider.

Without further ado, the ideas:

Seriously
O RLY?
Just the Facts
If you can read this, you speak English
Got Bumper sticker?
My anus is bleeding
If you can read this, give me a dollar
Honk if your horn in broke
You are living because I haven’t killed you yet
America-Basically Sweet
Kick Me
Pull Me Over
Give Me the Finger
Numbers are just retarded letters
Liberals are just stupid hippies
Liberals make me sad
Every time I see a liberal, I burn more gas
Liberals smell bad
God is an anarcho-capitalist libertarian.
Liberals are just retarded communists
Good luck passing me
I killed a man once
I am smarter and more modest than you
Hows my driving?
You can’t pull me over, I’m an illegal alien
Witty bumper stickers are stupid
Hit me, I wont sue - probably
Check out my front bumper/Check out my back bumper
Do NOT read my bumper
Me > You
My ideals founded the greatest country in the world - Libertarians
I’m an under cover cop, really
Liberals make me laugh
If you are a liberal, why are you wasting my gas?
My spoon is too big

Comment away!

Gas Prices

Published
by
Jack
on July 19, 2006
in Me
. 81 Comments
Tags: , , , , , , , |

First of all, I would like to apologize for the lack of a post, I have been really busy with sleeping and eating lately. Secondly, I would like to congratulate Jon for receiving more comments in less time than I did on his last post. He must have found the hot button with religion. Thats why I am going to say this: RELIGION! If that doesn’t get me more comments I might actually have to resort to researching my posts and using intelligence in them, and I am sure my readers do not want to see me try to use intelligence. So readers, if you respect me at all, you wont force me to use intelligence and the “R” word, you will simply comment a lot on this post. Now, on to the content.

Gas. Prices. When these two simple words come together in a sentence, you get yelled at for using only nouns and no verbs. You also get angry at how they fluctuate, how they are ridiculously over priced and how people think that once gas is over $3 a gallon, the world is over.

Using only nouns in a sentence makes sense to me. For the rest of this paragraph I will use only nouns, and you will understand me. Nouns. My name Jack food pizza pop. Generations me treat, I you. It. That. Me time you spot. It sentence nouns length post. Paragraph I.

Gas prices fluctuate for three reasons. The first is competition between gas stations. One is always trying to be cheaper than the next. The second reason is that as more gas is used the supply goes down, and thus demand increases. The third is that our friend George Bush sends out his gas fairies every night to change prices and bring him all of the extra profit. Do you know what I say to that? BAD Georgie! Do NOT harvest fairy babies for use in your magical mischief! Because as we all know, it is George’s fault gas is so high and since we can’t prove that by logic, it must be that he has Gas Fairies.

Gas prices are pretty high so I have compiled a list of body organs you can sell and their RGW (Raw Gas Worth. One (1) RGW is equal to one (1) full 10 gallon tank)

  • Kidney - .5 RGW
  • Liver - 1 RGW
  • Blood - .2 RGW
  • Bone Marrow - 2RGW
  • Arm - .5 RGW
  • Leg - .75 RGW
  • Soul - You have already sold this so its worth nothing

If you don’t get enough for a trip to the gas station I would suggest looking into bank robbery as a possible career.

Gas is now over three dollars a gallon in most parts of the U.S. and the world is not over so I don’t think we need to worry about that one. Now I am sure the crazy liberals will start saying when gas gets over $4 a gallon the world is over. Do not believe them. The world will be over when gas gets over infinity billion dollars an ounce, and not a second sooner. Scientology told me.

So my readers, don’t fret, I am here to help you through the scary world that relies on gas. If you have any questions, go ahead and post them now while I run to the gas station to power up my brand new gas powered computer. Don’t worry, I will drive a Yaris over there.

Liberals.

Published
by
Jack
on June 12, 2006
in Me
. 28 Comments
Tags: , , , , , |

Some people suspect that I use irony and sarcasm to subtly attack the liberal left-wing. I sincerely apologize. I guess I need to be more obvious and just say it. LIBERALS ARE RETARDED. I hope I haven’t offended anyone

Jon has shown me this website which uses some type of math or something to tell me how many people I am killing. I have no idea what the math is but they measure evilness in acres. The more acres you take up, the more evil you are. Apparently if everyone on earth lived like me we would need 6.7 more earths. According to my rough calculations we have only about one (1) earth so I have no idea how we will deal with this problem. Just kidding, of course I do.

We need to all suck in a lot of air, travel to the moon, and then breathe out. If everyone does this we should be able to create a nice atmosphere where we can store the maker of the “My Footprint” website. Once he is up there we can continue living on our 1 earth happily. Hopefully one (1) moon is enough for My Footprint boy to live on, if not, my respect for him will drop by 20 acres.

PS: I am going on vacation for 10 days. Please comment on this post so much that I won’t even be able to come up with a crappy metaphor for the amount of comments

The Mole!

Published
by
Jack
on May 18, 2006
in Me
. 37 Comments
Tags: , , , , , |

In science class we watched a movie about the MOLE. A mole is defined as spicy sauce often containing chocolate. So of course I was surprised when the movie turned out to be about chemistry and stuff. But then I realized that sauce probably has something to do with chemistry. Especially spicy sauce. I was watching and listening, listening and watching, when it finally dawned on me. This movie was not about spicy saucy sauce. It was about the small furry rodent that boroughs underground! It suddenly all made sense. The references to molar mass, the animations of boxes, the creepy narrator, the idea that we need a universal number to measure atoms. Of course this was a reference to the small little rodent. Or was it?

As the evidence materialized, I began to piece it all together. There must be some other definition for the mole! It obviously was not the now infamous spicy sauce and it wasn’t our furry little friend, what could it be? I began to get frustrated. How could I possibly know what this informative video was about? The the idea struck me. Listen to the video! As I focused my ears on the video (FOOOOOOCUSSS!!) I learned something. The animation was worse than Finding Nemo! Of course most animations, especially in a movie about the mole, are worse than Finding Nemo. Nevertheless I noticed it. I also noticed another thing. The narrator kept repeating that a mole was a gram molecule: the molecular weight of a substance expressed in grams; the basic unit of amount of substance adopted under the Systeme International d’Unites. Could this be a clue? Read Episode II to find out!

Episode II
Yes, it was a clue. Why else would it be the ending statement of Episode I? Read Episode III to find out!

Episode III
Because that is just how episodes work. You end the previous ones with an interesting question that will be answered in the following episode. Doesn’t everyone know that? Read Episode IV to find out!

Episode IV
Apparently everyone does not know that. Just trust me on this one. And plus the joke of starting new episodes solely to get more space taken up is wrong. And my readers do not like it when I do something wrong. Do you? Do you? I will take your silence as a no. So I apologize for offending you. I also apologize for going completely off topic. I actually forgot what the topic was, and seeing as moving my pointer finger on the mouse’s scroll wheel to see the topic is way too much work, I’m afraid I will have to end without closing my post. Or will I? Read Episode V to find out!

Episode V
I’m sorry. Seriously, I am. That will never happen again. Or will it? Read Episode VI to find out!

Episode VI
No, this is really the last time. I mean, it is not even funny any more. Or is it? Read Episode VII to find out!

Episode VII
Read Episode VIII to find out!

Episode VIII
Read Episode IX!

Episode IX
Episode X!

Episode X
XI!

Episode XI
Okay, now even I am getting a little annoyed by this. Or am I!

SIT

Published
by
Jack
on May 1, 2006
in Me
. 16 Comments
Tags: , , , , |

In school we watch a show called Channel One. It is on every day during homeroom. We are forced into watching it. Once, when a student didn’t watch it, the teacher strangled him, shot him, threw him out the window and then lit him on fire. Just kidding, she didn’t light him on fire. HAHA. Anyways, we are forced into watching this show. The show isn’t bad. It gives us the news, current events, exciting happenings, and so on. But what frustrates me is the commercials. Only so many people are authorized to advertise in a school environment. (The United States Department of Acceptable School Commercials (USDASC) was founded solely for this reason) That means that there are a total of 5 commercials that they play over and over again. There is one of these I hate the most, and that is the STAND commercial.

This commercial has a teenage girl who stands in front of a graffitied wall complaining about how her dad smokes. She says the companies purposely get her dad to smoke just because they want money. When I heard this I was outraged. I mean, how can a company try to make money! That is preposterous! Or not. All my favorite companies try to make money. My favorite companies include Wendy’s, Walmart, and Joe’s Crab Shack (I got Crabs at Joe’s!) Most of these places try and make money. I have actually never heard of a business that was not trying to make money. Except for maybe McDonald’s. I think they are out for world domination.

Anyways in response to STAND I propose we start a group called SIT (Student Helpers as Interns for Tobacco). I decided not to go with SHIT because, I mean, who would want to join that group? Our motto would be, “Don’t let annoying teenagers with marker on their hand control your life, get up and SIT.” This is, of course, still being worked on. What we would do is go around and find member of STAND and just sit on them. We would also have meetings and crap and maybe even a headquarters. Of course we would be backed by the government with huge grants and subsidies and have celebrity endorsements. The membership would be comprised of students who are smart and know that when we lose some of our freedoms, we lose all of our freedoms.

Always remember, Get up and SIT!

« Older Entries