I have recently come across all my old posts from before the site was hacked. The link is http://www.jackminardi.com/archives. It can also be found on the side bar of my site. It is labeled
Golden Age
THE LOST POSTS
From before the HACKER!
I have copied and pasted the important one to here but they are not formated correctly and none of the links work so be sure to visit the real thing for the authentic experience.
HERE THEY ARE:
Hacked!
As I am sure you are all aware (HAHA!) my site was hacked last weekend. Some cheap little guy going by the name of DHT (his real name is probably something like Dwight) started deleting stuff on the server and leaving this image where ever he was. He is located somewhere in Turkey. He was described by witnesses a human with skin, limbs, vital organs, and other various body parts. If you see anyone matching this description, please notify me or the police.
Luckily the Turk didn’t get to my database (where all my posts are stored) or else I’d kill him. He was stopped just in time by this site’s host, Allen. He heroically “took” the “bullet” in his “chest”, if “you” know “what” “I” mean. So to repay him I have decided to offer up all my readers to him for what ever purposes he chooses. Everyone needs to go to his house this Saturday and see what he wants. He hinted it would involve a volcano and possibly a large beast of some kind.
To prevent further attacks I have taken some precautionary measures. These measures include changing my name and my password. I usually forget my password so I changed it to something I can easily remember. My username is now my Social Security Number (361-98-6249) and my password is my Credit Card Number (Mastercard 5123-5945-36856) Hopefully no one will find these out.
Dwight is probably scheming right now, trying to decide whether he should try and hack me again (try!) or take another puff from his inhaler. (I’d go with inhaler) To make sure the hacker got the message I translated it to Dutch which is very close to Turkish in that they are both not English:
Ik kan geloven niet u eigenlijk dit vertaalde. Krijg het leven
I’ll bet he’s mad now. But he should know never to mess with an American. In America we have a long standing tradition of killing people that hack my website. Hitler, Stalin, Bin Laden, and France all hacked my site and look where they are now. Well France tried but retreated when they heard I used a firewall. They were later quoted as saying they didn’t know what a firewall was, but they decided to surrender, just to be on the safe side. I am getting off topic, but anyway I took this quote directly from the U.S. Constitution to demonstrate my point
“Anyone…who…messes…with…an…American…will…be…killed…by…a…Claim of the Party to whom such Service or Labour may be due…until..death…do…us…part…amen”
I left out some parts so as not to bore you, but that is a direct quote, trust me. I actually don’t know what “a Claim of the Party to whom such Service or Labour may be due.” is but I wouldn’t want to mess with it. And I bet Dwight doesn’t want to mess with it either. Amen.
Ummm, OGT?
This week we started our OGT tests. Yesterday was reading and today was math. Before we even started the teacher went into robot voice and read the directions. I have to say, I was kind of surprised. They actually expected us to know how to use our pencils! This is an outrage! I mean, they told us how to erase, how to write our name, how to read directions, how to fill in a bubble etc. I can prove this with the following true (are you calling me a liar?) excerpt from the directions.
Have a pencil and eraser out on your desk. Do not open this book until you are instructed. Find where it says NAME in box A. Fill in your name. Find where is says ADDRESS in box B. Fill in your address. Find where it says GENDER and fill in. You are catching on, right? Just in case, remember, NAME=name and ADDRESS=address. If any of these questions offends you, or offends your rich family lawyer don’t fill them in and feel free to sue us, they are your tax dollars anyway.
Now, when you fill in a bubble, use your pencil, not your eraser. Unless you are a minority, then you can use anything. Ok, open your book. (Use hand/fingers) Careful, you may get a paper cut!
While taking this test, DO NOT forget to:
1)Erase Completely
2)Use a pencil
3)Not use a pen
4)Breathe
5)Stay alive
6)Digest
7)Not sue us
8)Be politically correct
9)Include minorities in all your games
10)Think
Thank you for choosing the OHIO GRADUATION TEST as your test of choice. Sit back, put you tray tables up, and enjoy your flight.
I was about to forget to breathe, but they reminded me just in time. That was fun, wasn’t it? And its just the directions, on to the test.
In the reading part of the test there was a story about a man who listens to whales and says they follow the same musical patterns as us. At the end he was quoted as saying “In the future, composers will be writing for piano, flute, and whale.” There was a question on the test saying: “Why is the reader surprised when he reads the above quote?” The correct answer was: “After seeing two instruments, he expects to see another, instead he sees a mammal.” (I swear I am not making this up) The reason I found this quote surprising was because whoever said the quote said it in english, thus offending all people who don’t speak english, and possibly offending Jesus, who it is obviously known, composed whale music well before this article was written.
You may be asking: “Is he being sarcastic?” and “What does Y-E-S spell?” the answer to both of these questions is the same. (HINT: The answer is yes) And remember, Do not forget to erase completely.
NOTE: I have nothing against minorities. As long as the OGT keeps drawing a line between races, people will though. What I am trying to say is: Who cares what your race is.
CSI: Russia
I was watching CSI the other day and I was marveling at how original and creative their content was. I then said, hey, I am original and creative, I have content, why don’t I write for them? I called up Jerry and he said I need to show them what I can do. He said I should write a script and he will tell me if he likes it. So, here it is Jerry:
CSI: RUSSIA
SCENE 1 : People running around at a pool in the middle of the summer. A beautiful woman trips and falls into the pool. She is unconscious and strong men gather around her to try and save her from drowning. One man finally does and everyone cheers. The clapping masks the sound of a man screaming as he is repeatedly shot in the chest. He dies.
SCENE 2 :
CSI Guy 1: I think this person was murdered.
CSI Guy 2: We will have to do some testing.
CSI Guy 1: Indeed
(MONTAGE Who Music as people do testing)
SCENE 3 :
Lab Guy: Did you bring me any fingerprints?
CSI Guy 1: Yeah, I got this on off the water. It was just floating there.
CSI Guy 2: I found this one on a door knob.
Lab Guy: (After examining them for a while) These are fingerprints!
CSI Guy 1: Yes
Lab Guy: They belong to Mark Summers
CSI Guy 2: How did you know that?
Lab Guy: I queried them against thousands of other prints in my computer. When it made this special beeping noise and flashed “Positive Match” I decided it was a match.
CSI Guy 1: After looking at the clues this is what I think happened: He shot the guy because he wanted to marry his wife. He said no but he just got really angry and started writing mean letters and calling him names. He couldn’t take it anymore, so he killed him.
SCENE 4:
CSI Guy 1: Well Mr. Summers, we found you print at the scene of a crime.
Summers: There we plenty of people there.
CSI Guy 2: We also found this print on the doorknob.
Summers: Fine, you got me, I shot the guy because he wanted to marry my wife. I said no but he just got really angry and started writing mean letters and calling me names. I couldn’t take it anymore, so I killed him.
CSI Guy 1: Where you are going, you wont be doing much of that anymore.
Summers: Whats that supposed to mean?
CSI Guy 2: Take him away.
END CREDITS
What do you think? I think Jerry will love it. I made sure to include all the essential parts of CSI. These parts are: People, Dead People, Cheating People (On their wives), and CSI People. You also need some very interesting twists and turns in the plot. The plot should resemble a water slide, except for not slippery and you don’t need to wait forever to go down it.
Hopefully Jerry gets back to me soon
“Method”
Have you ever thought? have you ever breathed? Have you ever wanted to see what happens when you light a refrigerator on fire? If you answered yes to one or more of these questions then you are probably human. If you answered yes to all of them then you need to get a life, nothing cool happens anyway, it just kinda melts, no explosion or anything. Since you are human, that must mean that you desire the urge to communicate your feelings with others of your race (human). Before the internet people had to resort to means such as writing books to express their feelings. If only our good friend Jane Eyre had lived in our time of technology maybe she could have expressed her angst at life in a much more exciting manner that doesn’t involve what ever her previous method involves, namely, a lot of words. But I’m going off topic here, basically what I am trying to say is that since you are human you want a blog. Thats what I am here for, to tell you how.
To be a successful blogger, you need to know some good techniques. These essential techniques are: secret. No one has told me them, maybe thats why I am not a successful blogger. So I can’t really help you out in that aspect. But if you want to be an unsuccessful blogger follow these simple steps:
Don’t post about anything relevant
Use a lot of lists, they make your posts seem longer
Offend as many people as possible
Jesus likes me better than you
Name one way you are not Hitler
Never, never try hard
Only use this one if you want to be wildly popular
give Jack one million dollars
Okay, I lied, using my patented “Method”, as I like to call it, you will have so many people reading your site you could actually post a chapter from Jane Eyre and people will read it. Actually, you could write a whole story about a person named Jane Eyre and then publish it. People will think it is so good they will decide its a classic and tell me how much I love it.
Now that you have an interesting topic to write about, you need an interesting title. I am not going to lie here, this is the hard part. Most of the good titles are taken, such as: Bible, Iliad, Romeo and Juliet, The Constitution, and of course, Jane Eyre. Since all these authors were greedy and took all the good names we get stuck with boring ones. I seriously think every good title has been taken.
Using this sure fire method will also allow you to end a post with a sentence like this.
Olympics
Since they are currently in the process of occurring I have decided to create a article pertaining to them. This is an interview with Olympic great, Bode Miller. It is in the classic form of Q and A.
Q: What’s your name?
A: Umm, Bode Miller, you knew that…
Q: Hey, I ask you question, you answer. Thats why this little Q: comes next to everything I say.
A: Okay, Okay
Q: On a scale of 1 to Fun how much fun have you been having?
A: Thats.. thats not even a valid scale…
Q: Yes it is.
A: Will there be any questions about the Olympics or skiing?
Q: Next question is this, If you had the choice between saving a little girl from certain and terrible death and competing in the Olympics would you rescue the girl or go to the Olympics?
A: Well of course I would rescue the girl, who do you think I am?
Q: So basically what you are trying to say is that you don’t really care about the Olympics, that your parents abandoned you when you were a child and that you are really a Wildebeest?
A: No.
Q: Yes.
A: I believe we are done here.
Q: WILDEBEEST!
A: Bye.
Q: Whatever..
A: …
Q: Thanks.
I would like to thank Bode for being such a great sport and fielding all my questions. I believe the Olympic spirit is one of the greatest things. Ever since they were founded in 1739 by Mr. David Olympics they have been a token of ingenuity and peace. The Olympic spirit is personified in the Olympic Oath, which reads like this:
I swear by Apollo Physician and Asclepius and Hygieia and Panaceia and all the gods and goddesses, making them my witnesses, that I will fulfil according to my ability and judgment this oath and this covenant.
As you can see from this oath that the ancient Olympians enjoyed competing naked and throwing stone discs. They also liked the Hammer throw. Hopefully we will one day realize the message that they tried to convey and let it lead us toward world peace. Until then, I hope America wins way more gold medals than other countries and if not, we will just start a war with them. Amen
Science Fair
The words can strike fear in the hearts of the millions of students at My School who’s parents made them take Honors science. To find out why these simple words are so frightful we need to exam the roots. “SCIE” which is latin for “Alot” and “NCE FAIR” which is greek for “of work that no one wants to do” Those latin and greek people sure have a way with words.
In my eyes there are many different types of science fair people. Those who enjoy doing it, those who hate doing it, and those who’s mom does it. The first group is a rare breed. They will be the bosses of us, our children and our children’s children’s children. They will live that long because for science fair they are currently discovering the elixir of eternal life and will only share it with their science fair friends named Alfred, Cleo and Oliver. They will sometimes give us mortals mere drops to tempt us but even then it will be diluted with H2O (Latin term for water. They didn’t know you couldn’t use numbers in words).
The group of people who hate doing it but still do usually end up with projects titled: “Which Paper Towel Brand is More Expensive?”, and “What happens When I Throw Eggs Off a Building?” They then try to go into detail and realize that the most useful conclusion that can be drawn is: “They all broke except for the one that landed in the bush. That one just kinda cracked.” These are the people that will be sitting in a cubicle 11 months a year and occasionally go out to play golf with Mark and John.
The third class of people is all named Chaz and will end up in jail. We don’t like these people. We sometimes even poke them.
My advice to you? Get this. It looks pretty cool.
Chuck Norris Facts
I added a new category of facts to the left side of the site; “Chuck Norris Facts” Here is all of them:
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you’re still alive, it’s because Chuck Norris loves you.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris does not go hunting because ‘hunting’ implies a chance of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
If any of you out in readerland have some more good ones (Conor) post them here
Note: I did not come up with these, Google did. I think Google has a very funny sense of humor.
Code Required to Post
Sorry, but do to the enormous amount of spam I have been receiving (hundreds a day) I have decided to require a code that you will need to pull from an image to post. Its very easy, and if you have “remember me” selected, you wont even need it. I am kind of sorry because I did want to buy a sex toy and then travel to Europe like all the posts said.
The spammers are gonna freak out cause of those words I put in. They will try and try to spam me, and I will just laugh.
Cops
Yesterday I had a run in with the police. It involved a police car, a radar gun, and a speed limit. The combination of these three things usually produces unfavorable results, namely, a ticket. When the cop pulled me over, he asked me for my license and proof of insurance. I was very courteous and helped him out where ever needed. But I figured that the cop would rather not have to ask me all those questions so I composed a list of statements. I threw in a joke too, the cops always love those.
What to Tell/Show the Cop When He Pulls You Over:
Here is my proof of insurance.
Here is my license.
No, I have not been drinking.
There is no loaded gun under my seat.
There is no illegal immigrant in my car.
I am not trafficking drugs.
There IS a dead body in my trunk (Be sure to laugh a little to indicate the joke, trust me, they love this one)
After these the police man will know you mean business and he will respect you for that. When he asks “Do you have any idea what speed you were going?” Mumble “150 over”, really fast. When he says “Excuse me, what did you say?!?” just say “Nothing, I was going the speed limit.” This usually amuses the officer so much that he will just let you off for free, and in certain cases, he will actually pay you. I did this once and and the officer thought it was so funny that he actually pulled out his gun and screamed at me to get out of the car and on to the ground. He then proceeded to arrest me. Man, those police officers sure have funny ways of showing amusement! HAHA!
Denied
Rejected. The Spain Trip letter came in today, this is what it said (paraphrased):
Dear student,
We kind of like you, but not as much as the other students who we accepted. We are sorry to disappoint you, but you have to understand, we really don’t like you. Maybe if you sucked up a little more, or cleaned our room, you would be receiving a letter of a different tonal quality. Also, that one time when we asked you to drive our kid home from school, that would have scored you some major “Spain Points” as we like to call them. Yes we had a good chuckle when we saw what some people would do for the aptly named points. One time someone even gave us a dollar, with which we drank a pop, it was tasty, but thats all beside the point. Try harder and learn more language and we might consider including your name on the list of candidates.
Sincerely,
Your Teachers of Spanish
So I have decided to write a letter in response, detailing the reasons why I don’t care anyway:
Dear Teachers of Spanish,
Good thing I wasn’t accepted because I didn’t want to go anyway. Plus, WHAT EVER, WHAT EVER, I DO WHAT I WANT!.
Sincerely,
Jack Minardi
I feel that this letter correctly portrays my feelings and is in good taste. I tried to be very tactful when composing my letter, taking into account the tender feelings of the Teachers of Spanish. I spent many tedious seconds thinking of what to write, hopefully it shows.
The Trip
Spanish Class. It is a class that many people (My teacher) see as one of the most important classes in all of teaching history. Unfortunately I am not many people and and many people lets me know that every day by yelling at me for not doing my homework. But I continue on in the class in the hopes that someday I will be one of the few selected to go on The Trip. The Trip is the reason why most people take Spanish class in the first place. The Trip is the annual trip to Spain, a country that speaks a different language, namely, Spanish.
You may be surprised to hear that despite all the recent advances in technology other countries continue to not speak english. So we are forced to learn their language. This of course leads to many problems such as having to memorize words and having to make up words when we forget the words we memorized. To ease some of your troubles I will provide you with some of the most important Spanish words you will need to procure on your travels:
cuarto de bano - bathroom
alimento verdadero - real food
cual es este? - What is this?
Aprenda por favor como hablar ingles - Please learn how to speak English
nunca-mente - never-mind
ADonde este McDonalds? - Where is McDonalds
Grazias - Thanks
After you are done learning these words you should be all set. I only hope that this is the year I am selected for The Trip. As soon as I go to Spain I plan on putting all of my abundant knowledge about other cultures (Spain) to practical use. Just one more piece of information, Mexico is not the same as Spain and they really get mad when you confuse them. Trust me on this one.
Global Warming
In school today they decided to tell us that driving our cars and cutting down trees will eventually kill us. It is part of this test we have to take to graduate from high school. The test is called the OGT (Ohio Graduation Test) and they keep on telling us that it will be very hard to pass and we really need to study. Then they tell us that the score we need to earn is a 47%. Yes, 47%. Thats 4.7 questions correct out of 10. (Although I’m not sure how you would answer .7 of a question) Of course they have given us thousands of practice tests to help us “better prepare”. I am pretty sure these tests could be passed by a 3 year old kid, or even an advanced insect. But thats enough about the stupidity of these tests, on to their content.
The teacher handed out a paper (she killed a tree!) that asked these questions (somewhat):
What is the greenhouse effect?
How does killing the rain forrest propel the greenhouse effect?
Scientists have found proof that the ice-caps are melting, in how many ways is this George Bush’s fault?
Explain this statement: “Every time your drive your car you kill 17 baby seals”
I had sex with a tree last night
As you san see from these questions they seem to think that logging and driving a car are the only things that cause global warming. If this is true that must be proof that there are aliens on Mars because the Red Planet is experiencing the same global warming trend as earth. (Discovery published in Science magazine). Since I am pretty sure there are no aliens on Mars my next conclusion would be that our solar system as a whole is experiencing warming. They can no longer put the blame on Americans and and our country (America).
When they stop hugging trees tight enough to commit acts of photosynthesis maybe they will again think of some way that this is our fault.
Facebook
A friend of mine talked me into signing up for a facebook account. I had always thought it was just another myspace or buddyprofile crap site. It turned out in fact to be very nice. The whole idea behind it is that you sign up under your school’s name and then you can find out what you have in common with others from your school. You supply your class schedule, your interests, favorite movies, books etc. When you do they become links that let you search for others with the same class and interests. It also lets you upload images and tag them, similar to flickr. You can view my profile here
If your school has one, I would suggest you try it out.
Poker Bot
I was doing some work for Allen and this is what I came up with:
http://www.jackminardi.com/images/robotgood.jpg
http://www.jackminardi.com/images/robottable.jpg
http://www.jackminardi.com/images/robottable2.jpg
http://www.jackminardi.com/images/robotglass.jpg
http://www.jackminardi.com/images/robotglass2.jpg
http://www.jackminardi.com/images/robotborder.jpg
http://www.jackminardi.com/images/robotchips.jpg
As you can see it slowly progresses from crappy to somewhat good. Allen is building a site for a client about a robot that teaches poker and he asked me to build him a “Poker Bot”. I wasn’t sure how he should be posed. At first I was thinking he could be chesting his cards, or maybe laying down a royal flush with one hand in the air, but I finally settled on him peeking under his cards. He does have a royal flush under there though.
Its not really done, I may want to include some poker chips, maybe a beer or a couple of coins. When I get it all finished I will submit it to my deviantART page as a print if Allen agrees.
When its done I will let you all know.
